Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Wed Nov 29, 2006 at 07:10:24 pm EST
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Bad Genes, Part 5
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Bad Genes, Part Five



“Not so tough now, are you, Pink Skin? Where’s your precious magazine now?” Ahtumor the Warlord sneered at his captive from the crest of the Lair Legion Bathroom Sink Spigot.

The emaciated Sea Monkey who wore vizier robes over his “dry suit” coughed deferentially, “Master, the human cannot hear you from at this distance. Not at our current size.”

“What?!” Ahtumor hoisted his major domo up to eye level by the collar, “But I’m huge!!”

Indeed, while it was true the barbarian chief and his followers were, by their standards, enlarged, they only topped off at a full inch in height.

“I wanted the human to see me, hear me, when I defeated her, Gofflarx. Are you telling me all that gold I gave to Dr. Behemoth was for nothing?” he shook his advisor wrathfully.

“Ack! No, Master. Just, just project your voice!! Use your diaphragm!”

Ahtumor let Gofflarx plummet down the drain; his scream carried quite nicely.

“Human!! Do you hear me?!! Do you hear the call of the man who has conquered you?!” the Sea Monkey roared as he strode across the sink’s porcelain surface as grandly as his flippers would allow, past the men who held the bolo guns and net launchers they had used to truss his quarry.

“I hear you,” Katarina Allen answered as she shifted in her bonds to look up at the anthropomorphic brine shrimp..

“Good!!!” Ahtumor shouted, “Because I want you to know your fate for daring to defy me!! I will have you condensed to a more suitable size, and then bring you to my kingdom!!! You will be my hostage, until the Princess Uuuukulele swears her undying loyalty to me!!!”

Kat sighed, “That’s not going to work.”

“Silence!!!!!”

“No. Listen: you’re not going to get what you want by threatening me. All you’re going to do is get yourself and your friends killed.”

“Friends?!” the Sea Monkey raged, “I have no friends!! To have friends would imply I have equals, and Ahtumor is peerless!!! My rank alone precludes me from the affairs of the common man!!!! Heavy is the head that wears the fish-shaped helmet!!!”

“Stop ranting. It’s silly. And untrue. I’m guessing the reason you don’t have any friends is because you’re an arrogant, vicious blowhard who’s totally detached from reality. Otherwise, you might have figured out that Princess Ukulele won’t care one bit about my safety. The people who do care will track you down and stop you.”

“They can try!!!!” Ahtumor countered.

Kat’s eyes narrowed, “I’ve watched the Lair Legion take over two planets to stop thugs smarter, tougher, and bigger than you.”

It was the last attributive that galled the sub aquatic barbarian the most. He rounded on his men, “Get the Micronizer!”

“Yes, Lord Ahtumor!”

“You’re about to see me from a new perspective, human!!!” Ahtumor promised Kat gleefully, “One that will expose you to some unpleasant truths!!”

There was a hesitant rap at the bathroom door.

“Come in,” Katarina announced.

Minx, Teenage Mutant Samurai Kitten, swung the door open. Her almond eyes went from the prone and bound Miss Allen to the scrum of Sea Monkeys hurrying across the marble top sink, “I thought I smelled fish.”

“In the new litter box? How unsanitary,” Anastasia poked her head in and twitched her whiskers disapprovingly.

“Still,” Ginger licked her lips, “They do look good….”

“What effrontery is this?!” Ahtumor demanded as the Bonsai Kittens stalked into the already crowded bathroom, “Stay, stay back!!!! AHHHHHH!!!”

“Hm. Not bad. A bit crunchy.”

“Pinch the tail. That seems to be where most of the meat is,” Minx told her sisters as they finished off Ahtumor’s army.

*****


Later, Dominic would find Kat and the Bonsai Kittens lounging in the Lair Legion Living Room watching Ranma ½ OVAs. Glory was not pleased.

“You should not be on the sofa,” she scolded at the teens, “because of the shedding.”

The trio tensed at the unpleasant noises coming from their genetically predisposed nemesis.

Epitome smiled and scratched Glory’s muzzle, “I think we can bend the rules for the ladies, given the situation.”

Glory huffed. It was just like cats to flaunt the rules and be absolved of any consequences.

The set of Samurai, emboldened by the chastening the Mutt of Might received, began to talk at once.

“Epitome-San! You should have seen. We stopped an invasion!” Minx stated proudly.

“I did most of the work,” Ginger rubbed her belly.

Princess, of course, had other things on her mind, “Yes, doggie, be nice. Maybe later, if you’re good, we can open a can for you or something.”

The young Border collie flattened her ears, “Shoo! Get out!!” she barked. As the Kittens scattered she took off after them.

“She’s jealous,” Kat observed as the sounds of the fracas subsided.

“Glory? Jealous? That seems unlikely,” Dominic replied, “I doubt she’s capable of having an impure thought.”

The big man studied Kat’s outfit appreciatively, “So that’s what you’re wearing to Foxglove’s wedding? I like it.”

“Even though it has a cape?”

Dominic bent forward and traced his finger along the suit’s chest insignia, “The pleated skirt balances that out.”

“Someone is having impure thoughts,” Kat laughed before leaning into Dominic. She rubbed his shoulders and whispered, “Do you want me to change?”

“Not really. But, I think you better. We have work, and I worry the costume could be a distraction,” Dominic stood from his crouch and offered a hand to Kat to help her rise.

“Why Mr. Epitome, I do believe we’ve found your Kryptonite,” the young woman joked as they headed for the stairwell.







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